청아공원

유가족광장하늘로보내는편지

아버지 가신달 11月......: 받는이 : 아버지; 작성자 : 아버지의딸 2006-11-01

아버지 가신지 벌써 1년이 되어가는 11월의 첫날!
지나고 나서 후회하는 인간의 우둔함을 탓한들 무슨 소용이 있겠어요.
아버지~~~
이제 난 그냥 11월이 싫어졌어요.
자꾸만 작년11월을 회상하며 후회와 반성만 한들 뭐 하나 변하는것도 없는데..

요즘은 이유없는 우울증에 시달리고 있어요.
하루종일 우울하고 아이들땜에 억지로 움직이긴 하는데 입맛도 없고 그냥 눈감고 자고만 싶어.
아버지..
나 왜 이러는거지??
이러면 안되는데....
아버질 생각해서라도 씩씩하게 잘 살아야하는데..
그냥 의미가 없네.
너무 무료해서 그러는건 아닌것 같은데 왜 자꾸 만사가 다 귀찮고 슬픈생각만 드는지 모르겠어요.

죄없는 박서방만 많이 힘들게 하고..
나 못된 부인이죠?(남편 힘들게 하는)

아버지 너무 보고싶어.
그리고 너무 죄송하고 가슴아파.
다 용서하시고 가셨겠지만 그래도 항상 마음 한켠이 무거워요.

참 일요일에 엄마랑 남준이랑 집에 왔었어요.
남준이 휴가 나왔다고 해서 함께 저녁먹고 용돈 좀 줘서 보냈어(하나밖에 없는 고모잖아)
큰오빠도 함께 오라고 했더니 싫다네.

남준이가 벌써 상병이래요.이젠 고참이라 별로 힘든것도 없대.
어느새 남준이도 훌쩍 커버려 징그럽기까지 하더라구요.
어릴때 나랑 베드민턴 치면서 구구단 외우던 그 꼬마 조카가 저렇게 남자냄새 풍기는 청년으로 변한걸 보면..
세월이 그만큼 많이 흘렀다는 얘긴데..
허긴 나도 결혼을 해서 아이를 둘이나 낳고 우리 혁이가 지금 구구단을 외우고 있으니~~

아버지도 영영 떠나 버렸고...
받아들여야 하는데도 자꾸만 서글프고 가슴이 저려 견딜수가 없어.
하루에도 수십번씩 아버지와의 추억들이 떠올라 날 괴롭게 하네.

아버지..정말 보고싶다.
꿈에라도 다녀가시란 말은 차마 못하겠어(그럼 안좋은거라고해서)

나 그만 우울해야하는데 이런 내가 나도 싫어요.
근데 안돼.
그냥 허무하고..
벌써 주부 우울증인가봐.

하나도 안 반가운 11월 한달을 어찌보낼지..
어서 빨리 지나가버리고 12월이 되었으면 좋겠어.

내가 이렇게 약해지면 안되는데..
이상하게 요즘 계속 이래요.

병원에 가서 상담 좀 해 봐야하는건 아닌지..
아버지!!
다시금 내 모습 찾게 도와주실거죠?
난 원래 나도 남들도 우울한 사람 싫어하잖아
밝고 쿨~한 사람이 좋은데 내가 왜 이러는지 잘 모르겠어요.

다음엔 언제나 밝고 명랑한 아버지의 딸로 인사하고 싶어.
꼭그렇게 될수있게 아버지도 도와줘.
그때까지 행복하시고 편히 계세요.
사랑해 아버지...너~무너무...

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