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받는이 : 고 김명옥
작성자 : 박현화 2005-10-16
성필아 빨리 일어나... 학교가야지..."



엄마의 자명소리에 눈을 떴다. 늘 그랬다는 듯 나의 시선은



유리깨진 낡은 시계를 향해 있었다.



시간을 보고 나는 인상부터 찌푸리고 언성을 높혔다.



"왜 지금 깨워줬어!!!아우 짜증나!!"



-쾅



방문소리가 세게 울려퍼졌다.



주섬주섬 교복을 입고 나가려고 하였다.



그런데 그때 엄마의 목소리가 들려왔다.



"성필아, 미안하다. 엄마가 몸이 좀 안좋아서.."



"아씨... 또 감기야?! 그놈의 감기는 시도때도없이 걸려?!"



"..놎게..깨워줘서 미안하구나..자..여기..도시락 가져가렴.."



-타악!



"됐어! 나 지각하겠어! 갈께!"



도시락이 바닥에 내동댕이처졌다. 신경쓰지 않고 내 갈길을 갔다.



뛰어가면서 살며시 뒤를 돌아보았다.



엄마는 말없이 주슴주섬 내팽겨진 도시락을 다시 담고있었다.



창백했다..여느때보다 엄마의 얼굴이 창백해보였다.



하지만 늘 엄마는 늘 아팠기때문에



난 아무엏지도 않게 다시 학교로 발걸음을 옮겼다.





종례시간이다.



이번주 토요일날 수학여행을 간덴다.



가고싶었다. 가서 친구들과도 재미있게 놀고싶었다.



가난이란걸 깨끗히 잊고 오고 싶었고



엄마도 잠시동안은 잊고싶었다.



집에와서 여느때처럼 누워있는 엄마를 보며



안상이 먼저 찌푸려졌다.



"어어...우리 성필이왔어...?



"엄마! 나 이번주 토요일 수학여행보내줘!"



다녀왔다는말도 안하고 보내달라고만 했다.



"어......수학...여행이라구...?"



"어."



"얼만...데..?'



엄만 돈부터 물어봤다. 우리집안 형편때문에 가야될지



안가야될지 고민했었다.



"8.....8만원씩이나...?"



"8만원도 없어?! 우리 생그지야? 그지?!"



이런 가난이 싫었다. 돈 없으면 아무것도 할 수 없었던...



가난이 싫었다...



엄마도 싫었고, 식구가 엄마와 나 뿐이라는것도 외로웠다.



엄마는, 잠시 한숨을 쉬더니 이불 속에서 통장을 꺼냈다.



난생 처음보는 우리집의 통자을 보며 나는 흐뭇한 미소를 지었다.



고맙다는 말도없이 당장 시내의 은행으로 달려갔다.



통장을 펴보니 100만원이라는 나로선 어마어마한돈이 들어있었다.



이걸 여태 왜 안썼냐 하는 생각에 엄마가 또한번 미워졌다.



8만원을 뺐다.



92만원이 남았다. 90만원이나 더 남았기때문에 더 써도 될것같았다.



언틋 애들이 요즘 가지고 다니는 핸드폰이라는게 생각이 났다.



40만원을 다시 뺐다. 가까운 핸드폰대리점에 가서 좋은 핸드폰하나를 구입했다.



즐거워졌다.



난생처음 맛보는 즐거움과 짜릿함이였다.



핸드폰을 들며 거리를 쏘다녔다.



여러 색색의 멋진 옷들이 많이 있었다.



사고싶었다. 또 은행을 갔다. 이번엔 20만원을 뺐다.



여러벌 옷을 많이 샀다. 멋진 옷을 입고있는 나를 거울로 보면서



흐뭇해하고있었을때



눈에 띄는 것이 하나 있었다.



바로 엄마가 잘라준 시골사람같은 촌스러운 머리였다.



은행에 또 갔다.



5만원을 다시 뺐다. 머리를 멋지게 자르고, 다듬었다.



모든것이 완벽했다. 이젠 수학여행때 필요한걸 살 차례야.



난 무조건 마구잡이로 닥치는데로 고르고, 샀다.



9만원이라는 돈이 나왔다.



그렇게 집에 갔다.



또 그 지긋지긋한 집에 가기 싫었지만



그래도 가야만하기때문에 갔다.



엄만 또 누워있었다. 일부러 소리를 냈다.



"흐흠!!!"



소리를 듣고 엄마는 일어났다. 통장을 건내받은 엄마는



잔액을 살피지도 않고



바로 이불속으로 넣어버렸다.



그렇게 기다리던 토요일이 왔다.



쫙 빼입고 온 날 친구들이 날보고 부러워했다.



고된 훈련도 있었지만, 그때동안은 엄마생각과 가난, 그리고...



집생각을 하지 않아서 좋았다.



이제 끝났다. 2박 3일이 그렇게 빨리지나가는지 이제 알았다.



또 지긋지긋한 구덩이 안에 들어가야 한다.



"나왔어!"



".........."



왠일인지 집이 조용했다.



"나왔다니까!?"



".............."



또 조용하다. 신경질나고 짜증나서 문을 쾅 열었다.



엄마가 있었다. 자고있었다.



내가 오면 웃으며 인사하던 엄마가 아들이 왔는데 안사도 안하고 자기만 한다.



"혹시 내가 돈 많이 썼다는거 알고 화난걸까? 쳇..



어자피 내가 이기는데 뭐..."



하고 엄마를 흔들려했다...



그런데...



그런데...



엄마가 차가웠다....



이상하게 말라버린 눈물부터 났었다. . 심장이 멎을것 같았다.



그 싫었던 엄마가 차가운데.. 이상하게 슬펐다. 믿어지지 않았다..



마구 흔들어 깨워보려 했다. 하지만.. 엄마는 일어나지 않았다.



눈을 ... 뜨지 않았다...



얼른 이불에서 통장을 꺼내 엄마의 눈에 가져다 대고 울부짖었다.



"엄마! 나 다신 이런짓 안할께!!! 안할테니까!!!!!!!! 제발 눈좀 떠!!!!!!!"



통장을 세웠다. 그런데 무언가가 툭 떨어져 내렸다.



엄마의 편지였다. 조심스럽게 펼쳐보았다.





[나의 사랑하는 아들 성필이 보아라.





성필아. 내 아들 성필아.



이 에미 미웠지? 가난이 죽어도 싫었지?



미안하다... 미안해...



이 엄마가 배운것도 없고, 그렇다고 돈도 없었어...



성필이한테 줄거라곤... 이 작은 사랑..



이 쓸모없는 내 몸뚱이밖에 없었단다...



...아.. 엄마먼저 이렇게 가서 미안하다...



엄마가 병에 걸려서.. 먼저 가는구나..



실은.. 수술이란거 하면 살 수 있다던데... 돈이 어마어마하더라..



그래서 생각했지.



그까짓 수술안하면... 우리 성필이 사고싶은거 다 살 수 있으니까..



내가 수술 포기한다고..



근데.. 시간이 지날수록 더 악화되어서.. 이젠.. 몇달을 앞두고 있단다...



아들아...



이 못난 애미.. 그것도 엄아라고 생각해준거 너무 고맙다...



우리 아들... 엄마가 제일 사랑하는거 알지?



아들아...우리 아들아..



사랑한다...........사랑해..........



-엄마가-



추신: 이불 잘 뒤져봐라... 통장 하나 더 나올꺼야..



엄마가 너 몰래 일해가면서 틈틈히 모은 2000만원이야..



우리 아들이..가난걱정 안하고 살아서 좋겠네]





편안하게 눈을 감고 있는 엄마를 보고있자니



내 자신이 너무 미워진다.



그동안 엄마를 미워하던거보다 100배.. 아니 1000배... 아니, 끝도 없이 내 자신이



미워지고... 비열해진다....



왜 나같이 못난아들을 사랑했어..어..?



수술비.....내가 펑펑 쓴 그돈 수술비...



왜 진작 말 안했어.....어....? 왜 진작 말 안한거야..



엄마가 정성껏 싸준 도시락도 내팽겨쳤는데...



엄마한테 신경질내고 짜증부렸는데..



엄마 너무너무 미워했는데...



그렇게 밉고 나쁜 날 왜 사랑한거냐구...



어..?



엄만 바보야? 왜 날 사랑했어...왜...왜......



이젠 그렇게 보기 싫었던 누워있는모습조차 볼 수 없겠네...



엄마의 그 도시락도 먹을 수 없겠구...



엄마가 맨날 깨워주던 그 목소리도... 들을 수 없겠네..



나... 엄마 다시 한번 살아나면...



하느님이 진짜 다시 한번 나한테 기회를 주신다면...



나... 그땐 엄마 잘해드릴 자신 있는데... 그럴 수 있는데...



엄마, 다음세상에서 만나자....



응...? 꼭 만나자..? 어...?



엄마.......미안해.........정말 미안해........미안해..............



...나 이말 엄마한테 처음으로 말하는 거다..?



엄마..................시링해............사랑해.............



사랑해.............사랑해................
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