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엄마, 많이 불편하세요?: 받는이 : 울 엄마; 작성자 : 막내딸 명옥이 2006-01-03

엄마,
날씨가 많이 추워졌어요.
처음에 엄마 화장할 때는 엄마를 뜨거운 불 속에 넣는게 너무 싫었는데,
이렇게 추운 날 꽁꽁 얼은 땅 속에 누워계시지 않은게 다행으로 여겨져요.
엄마 생각은 어떠신지 모르겠어요.
엄마는 화장을 싫어하셨을 것 같기도 하고... ㅠ.ㅠ
그래도 엄마,
땅에 묻히셨으면, 찾아가기도 불편하고 가서도 을씨년스러웠을텐데,
엄마가 계시던 파주로 가던 길에 엄마가 계시니까
더 자주 갈 수 있잖아요.
그리고 햇빛도 잘 들어오고, 오고 가는 사람들이 많아서 쓸쓸하지 않고...
그리고 큰 형부, 작은 형부랑 다 같이 계시니까 덜 외롭고...

그런데, 엄마
나는 엄마 운구차를 좋은 캐딜락으로 모시지 못한게 내내 마음이 아파요.
돌아가신 다음에 무슨 소용이 있냐고 하지만,
그리고 이미 다 지나기도 했지만,
내내 마음에 남아요.
진작에 챙겼어야 했는데, 미처.... ㅠ.ㅠ
나중에 발인하는 날 뒤늦게 후회를 했지만, 새벽 7시에 출발하는 바람에 어쩔 수가 없었어요.
엄마 운구가 우리 발 밑에 있다고 생각하니, 의자에 앉아있을 수가 없었어요.
엄마, 너무 죄송해요~!!
엄마는 최고의 것만을 좋아하셨는데.......
마지막 가시는 길을 제일 좋은 옷을 입혀드리고,
가장 좋은 차로 모셨어야 했는데,
둘 다 망치고 말았어요....
엄마, 용서해주세요~!!

수의도 엄마 평생 입고 계실 거라서, 내가 해드리고 싶었고, 그래서 가장 좋다는 걸로 해놓았다고 생각했었는데.......
그게 그렇게 베필로만 있을줄은 생각도 못했어요.
어디서 어떻게 잘못된건지 아직도 모르겠지만,
중간에 챙기지 못한 제 잘못도 크지요....
화장을 했지만, 그래도 마지막으로 입으시는 옷이라도 제일 좋은 걸 입으시게 하고 싶었는데.......

엄마, 그래서 마음이 더 많이 아파요!!
엄마, 정말 정말 죄송해요~!!

엄마, 그런데 지현언니가 꿈에 엄마를 뵈었대요.
엄마가 남루한 소복을 입고 나타나셔서, 이승을 못 떠나고 계신다면서 2백만원을 들여서 기도를 해달라고 하셨다구요......
혹시 엄마가 수의 때문에 마음 상하셨나.. 싶기도 하고, 사십구재를 안드려서 그런가 싶기도 하고.. 도대체 무슨 일인가 궁금해요.
엄마는 행여 못마땅한게 있으셔도, 늘 이해하시는 분이셨는데......

그냥 지나치려니 찜찜하고, 그렇다고 언니 꿈을 믿는 것도 좀 그렇고....
엄마 정말 그러시다면, 막내오빠한테 말씀하세요.
막내오빠가 가장 정직하고 합리적이니까요...
제가 꿈을 꾼다고 해도, 제 마음에는 수의에 대한 원망이 남아있기 때문에 그건 엄마 뜻이 아니라, 제 생각으로 인해서 꿈을 꿨다고 생각이 들거기 때문에 엄마 생각을 모르겠거든요...

그리고, 2백만원을 들여서 기도를 드린다고 해도, 자식들 종교가 다 달라서 어디서 기도를 드려야할지 그것도 걱정이기도 해요.
엄마, 그냥 저는 저대로 기도를 드릴게요.
요새는 성당에 열심히 다니지 않지만, 4일부터 엄마를 위해서 묵주기도 54일 기도를 바칠게요.
하느님께서는 다른 모든 신 위에 계시고, 죽은 자를 불러들이실 수 있으신 분이시니까요!!
무엇보다 엄마는 살아계실 때, 남들에게 많이 베풀고 사셨잖아요.....
딱히 종교는 안갖고 계셨어도, 선하고 아름답게 사셨잖아요......

엄마, 아무 걱정 하지 마세요!
엄마 뜻대로 다들 잘 살게요. 그리고 더 많이 사랑하고 살게요...
엄마는 하늘 나라에서 우리를 지켜봐주시고, 못다한 행복을 맘껏 누리세요......

참, 오늘 점심 먹으러 갔는데, 콩자반이 나왔어요.
엄마가 참 좋아하셨던 반찬이었는데......
나는 안좋아하지만, 엄마 생각이 나서 대신 먹었어요......
또 눈물이 나네요......

엄마, 엄마 얼굴 만져보고 싶어요~~~

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