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네가 받아놓은 영화..: 받는이 : 내동생선배..; 작성자 : 윤필형 2005-09-21

우리형이 있더라.. 그래서 네가 받아놓기도 했고.. 또 한번 볼까 해서 아무생각 없이 그냥봤지..
근데.. 거기선 형이.. 나한텐 동생이.. 비슷한게 많더구나.. 너희학교.. 전공.. 너하고 나하고 살아왔던 인생.. 물론.. 영화에서는 형이 보호받는 존재로 나오기는 했지만.. 넌 그렇지 않았지.. 알아서 잘 처신했고.. 누가 가르쳐주지 않아도 알아서 잘 했으니까.. 영화보면서.. 눈물은 안나오는데.. 술한잔 하고싶더구나.. 거기서.,. 형이랑 동생이랑 소주를 언더락스잔에 부워서 마시는 장면이 나오는데.. 나 너 제주도에서 실종됐다고 했을때.. 나도 그렇게 마셨거든.. 난생 처음으로.. 많이 울었다.. 지금도 그때처럼 울고싶기도 한데.. 어머니 아버지 생각하면.. 그리 쉽지만은 않구나.. 선배야.. 보고싶다.. 아직도 어딘가에 살아있을것만 같은데.. 그럴것만 같은데.. 벌써 몇달째 너를 못보고 있구나.. 49제 지나고.. 벌써 한두달 지난거 같은데.. 남아있는 사람들은.. 아직도 그 시간에서 벗어나지를 못하고 있다.. 벗어나려고 애쓰거나.. 지워버릴려고 하지도 않았긴 하지만.. 시간이 약이다란 말은.. 아직 현실로 다가오지 않는구나.. 네 사진.. 편지.. 물건들.. 책들.. 많이 정리하고.. 태우기도 하고.. 그런데.. 아무소용 없는것 같아.. 태워버린 사진은 다시 보고싶고.. 팔아버린 네 차는 운전하다가 네가 타던차하고 같은차를 보면.. 나도모르게 정신이 몽롱해진다.. 혹시나.. 혹시나.. 하는 마음에서인지.. 현실을 부정하고 싶어서인지는 모르겠는데.. 아무튼.. 네가 없어지고 나니 너하고 연계된 것들이 왜이리 많은지 모르겠다.. 왜이렇게 티비에 의사들은 많이 나오는지.. 너네학교 로고가 세겨진 간판들은 왜이리 많은지.. 얼마전에 아버지 이빨때문에 치과에 갔었는데.. 거기도 너네학교 출신이더구나.. 어머니 또 시작하셨지 뭐.,. 선배 너도,.. 조금더 있었으면 이런병원 차렸을텐데.. 뭐 이런 저런 넋두리..
왜그렇게 빨리갔어... 좀더 살아보고 갈것이지.. 아무리 생각해도 너무 억울하다.. 우리같은 사람이 많지는 않겠지만.. 또 있겠지.. 이젠 그런사람들 이해가 된다.. 예전에는 그냥 그렇구나.. 그렇겠지.. 이러기만 했지.. 실제 그런마음은 알 수가 없었으니까.. 그냥.. 모든걸 되돌리고 싶은 마음뿐이다.. 그냥.,.. 되돌리고 싶은 마음뿐..

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